Tag: family

Addiction Will Affect Your Relationship

Posted on by

EDITORS NOTE:

CITB focuses on chronic illness. I have personally experienced and live with the chronic illness of substance abuse. This is a guest post by Caleb Anderson of RecoveryHope.org. RecoveryHope.org was started by Caleb and Molly Anderson after Caleb received treatment for opiate addiction. Molly has made it her mission to learn how to help Caleb fight his battles and support him in his recovery. Together they now help others by providing research and resources about the many challenges of overcoming drug and alcohol addictions.

We thank Caleb and Molly for their contribution to  CITB. We know you will enjoy their insights. Please visit their website RecoveryHope.org for more information on substance  abuse and recovery.

There are plenty of ways relationships can become strained. It’s possible to have a strong, healthy relationship, but it’s not easy. It takes work.

When you add an addiction to the relationship, things get much harder. Substance abuse can challenge even the strongest relationship, and many couples break up over it. Thankfully, there are actions you can take to both help your partner and save your relationship. But before you can help, you need to know whether your partner has a problem.

Substance Abuse Leads To Unhealthy Relationships

How do you know if your partner is struggling with addiction? Medical News Today lists a number of signs and symptoms of addiction to watch for, including: bouts of moodiness, bad temper, poor focus, a feeling of being depressed and empty, frustration, anger, bitterness, obsession, denial, etc.

The Mayo Clinic has an exhaustive list of signs related to specific addictions, including marijuana, opiates, and cocaine.

Having a relationship with an addict can lead to pain and stress. It can also lead to heartbreak because addiction can lead to infidelity. Swift River explains this is due to several factors, including a higher chance of risky behavior such as sex with others. Some even use sex as payment for whatever they need.

How You Might Be Enabling

Whether it’s secrecy, anger, or infidelity, the addict is responsible for their own behavior. However, there are ways you might be enabling your partner’s addiction. Enabling is when you help your partner to continue abusing substances even if you don’t realize it. Here are a few ways you might be contributing to the addiction:

  • Ignoring evidence that they have a substance abuse problem.
  • Helping them avoid the consequences of addiction.
  • Buying or using the same drugs and alcohol along with them.
  • Failing to hold them responsible when you’ve set boundaries or rules that are not met.

Even if you mean well, you can enable addiction because your partner has no reason to change. Addicts often need to get treatment or hit “rock bottom” before they realize how bad things have become due to their addiction. Protecting your partner makes it harder for them to get help.

Helping Your Loved One

Then how can you help your partner get better? Many people think about staging an intervention, but as Psychology Today notes, these should be last-ditch efforts as there’s no evidence they help an addict in the long-run. Instead, you need to politely and gently convince your partner to go to a doctor or therapist. Focus on how it’s hurting the relationship and ask, not tell, if they would consider getting help.

Once they have entered addiction recovery treatment, you need to be loving and accepting of your partner. Work with your loved one to find healthy habits and activities. This can mean social activities with friends who don’t use as well as healthy ones like yoga, exercising, or just taking a nice walk. Not only will this help your partner get better, but it can heal the relationship as well.

Don’t Let Addiction Ruin Your Relationship

The worst thing you can do when facing your partner’s addiction is to ignore it. This actually enables substance abuse. Instead, understand how addiction impacts your relationship. Then you can focus on getting your loved one the help they need to get sober. By helping your partner, you are also helping your relationship.

 

Please visit RecoveryHope.org for more information on substance  abuse and recovery

Related posts

These Are the Things That Define You – Part One – Journey of Self-discovery

Posted on by

The term “Journey of Self-discovery” refers to a series of events whereby a person attempts to determine how they feel about spiritual issues or priorities, rather than following the opinions of family, friends or peer pressure.

Self-discovery is the capacity of humans to exercise introspection,
The willingness to learn more about their fundamental
nature and purpose.

If the only emotion concepts you recognize are “I feel good” and “I feel bad” you’re not going to be very emotionally healthy. But, if you’re able to distinguish the more specific “I feel alone” from merely “I feel bad” you’re able to deal with the problem.

Examining your life under a microscope can be uncomfortable and gruesome.

You will be grateful for starting the process of self discovery, because rewards unfold when you know more about yourself. Understand how you make improvements to your behavior, thoughts and emotions. Uncovering answers will help peel off layer-by-layer the negative thoughts that have imprinted in your mind. These negative thoughts and beliefs are your obstacles to inner growth.

You’ve probably never thought about learning words as a path to greater emotional health.

Words Seed Your Concepts
Concepts Drive Your Predictions
Predictions Regulate Your Body
Your Body Determines How You Feel.

The greater your vocabulary
the more precisely your brain can calibrate your body’s needs.

People who exhibit higher emotional expression

  • Go to the doctor less frequently
  • Use medication less frequently
  • Spend fewer days hospitalized for illness

[Tweet “The greater your vocabulary, the more precisely your brain can calibrate your body’s needs”]

This insight is directly connected to your relationship with others. Most importantly it’s also connected to our relationship with the Universe (God). What we believe about the Universe (God) and it’s expectations for us is vital to what we believe about ourselves.

Self discovery is not an a one day or a one week affair.

It can take a lifetime of building a relationship with yourself. Note that your inner self is not going to stay constant either. You are evolving all the time. Based on your self discovery at any point in time, you make conscious decisions for changes. Additionally, as you mature, you gain insights that make up the new you.

Self-discovery is about being mindful of who you really are, instead of what culture says you should be.

It is important to ask yourself what you want out of life and work towards it. Aligning with your soul’s’ purpose brings about fulfilment. Without a purpose and direction, you are going to feel like a ship which is going nowhere. I can assure you that if you don’t go through this process of evaluation on what your purpose is, you are going to experience regret while on your deathbed.

You need to confront your emotional issues and weaknesses
because they reveal the separation from the real you.

The real you is authentic, loving and nurturing. The process of self discovery is not just about unearthing nasty stuff about yourself. It is about honoring your strengths and abilities. As you become more aware of what you are good at, you lessen the list on weaknesses.

Learn to forgive yourself.

Negative beliefs tend to invade every aspect of your life. If you have feelings of low self worth, then you are likely to carry them in the relationships you have at home, in the office, with your friends, relatives and loved ones.

You, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. When your outer self is aligned with your inner being, you will feel happy and free!

Related posts

Links To Think #005 Fibromyalgia Edition

Posted on by
What Can I Do To Change My Life? EP:000 - Concepts, Ideas, Thoughts & Bullsh!t
Let’s establish a foundation to the development of a healthy mindset. Living with the many ways chronic illness changes your life, places stress on your life, making you feel damaged,…
5 Tips for Meaningful Meditation
Are you getting all you can out of your meditation? Is it meaningful meditation? Turn Your Meditation into Meaningful Meditation By Harper Harmon For some, meditation is the way to calm…
Why Lavender Oil is MORE Effective Than Xanax, Valium and Prozac for Relieving Anxiety
Despite all the advancements in technology designed to make our life easier, researchers are finding that we are more stressed than ever before (1). Approximately 40 million adults in the…
Easy Ways to Organize Your Medical Life
by Donna Gregory Burch Posted 10/20/17 One of the best tidbits of advice my mom gave me in my 20s was to always request and save copies of my medical records. I was healthy at the time, so…
THE DREADED CHANGE OF SEASONS WHICH AFFECTS ALL FIBROMYALGIA SUFFERERS...
It’s that time of year that all Fibromyalgia sufferers dread. As the seasons change from summer to autumn then winter.
Easy Bone Broth Recipe - How to Make Bone Broth
If you’ve never made a bone broth recipe before, your stock pot is about to earn its keep. Once you see how easy, delicious, and versatile this homemade bone broth is, you’ll wonder how you…
3 Surprising Tips for Better Sleep - Rebuilding Wellness | Sue Ingebretson

Do you feel like better sleep is a thing of the past? Does it feel as if the whole world drops into blissful slumber as you stare at the ceiling?

For those of us with fibromyalgia, CFS, arthritis, MS, and other chronic illnesses, a common thread related to sleep disturbances is that familiar “tired but wired” feeling. Our over-active brains turn on conversations, images, and feelings that we can’t seem to turn off.
CRYOTHERAPY FOR CHRONIC PAIN...
An article on Health Central says that lately, researchers have been studying the potential health benefits of cryotherapy using cold air chambers. Cryotherapy started in Japan and uses a…
I`m not disabled I`m Chronically Ill - Living Creatively with Fibro
You may be wondering at this point why? So I hope to enlighten you and you never know you may even agree with me. When you think about disability things that come to mind are the loss of…
choice
How To Make Marijuana Tea - Leaf Science
Marijuana tea is popular in many parts of the world, including Jamaica and India. Tea is an alternative way to consume marijuana that does not involve smoking. It is easy to prepare at…
The Complete Guide To Fasting & Reversing Type 2 Diabetes: A Special Interview With Dr. Jason Fung
“Everyone has a physician inside him or her; we just have to help it in its work. The natural healing force within each one of us is the greatest force in getting well. Our food should be…
Links To Think #005 Fibromyalgia Edition
created in Publicate

Related posts

Links to Think #003

Posted on by

Intimacy With Chronic Illness - Concepts, Ideas, Thoughts & Bullsh!t
Intimacy is scary shit. It is being honestly connected in an emotional way. Like he/she can read your mind. Your soul is just so clear to that person. It is having faith in, and courage to,…
When pain brings with it depression
1 in 5 people will develop a mental illness in their lifetime. And you know chronic pain increases those odds. Hell, with fibromyalgia we are 30% more likely to develop depression, 3 times…
Losing weight with chronic pain: Tom`s story
It was Summer 2001 and life was great! Awesome friends, a partner in a successful company, pursuing my Master’s degree in counselling, playing sports, and travelling. I was living a good…
Effective ways to avoid Social Isolation with Fibro - Living Creatively with Fibro
Fellow Sufferers If you are suffering from chronic pain, even if you have not been diagnosed with anything at this point (It can take many months or in some peoples case years to get the…
Life Rules: Behavioural Phrases to Live By
Kids with Asperger’s work best with rules and lists to follow. This applies in more or less every aspect of their lives. It’s major part of their development and as a parent, it’s up to you…
IV KETAMINE INFUSION FOR FIBROMYALGiA...
A very interesting read on (IV) ketamine infusion therapy from Fibromyalgia Treating Anyone with fibromyalgia knows that there are hundreds of treatments that address the varied symptoms of…
Measuring Beyond the Pain Scale
As part of Pain Awareness Month, NeuroMetrix Chief Commercial Officer Frank McGillin has written a series on chronic pain. We are republishing his comments on the Pain Scale. The other…
When another symptom crops up
The most frustrating thing about chronic illness is the spontaneous occurrence of another random symptom that doesn’t fit into the puzzle you already have. I have been getting these massive…
Are you spending too much time with the wrong people? - Counting My Spoons
The last few months have found me making a strong effort to spend more time with the right people, and less time with the wrong people. It was as I sat at a dinner with the Oska Wellness…
Tools & Resources
I created a few different journal pages to help me track my progress, you are welcome to use… I hope it helps you! MyFoggyBrain’s Wellness Workbook – Journaling Your Way to a Healthier…
created in Publicate

Related posts

Links to Think #001

Posted on by

Putting the Patient Voice into Chronic Pain Policy
Putting the Patient Voice into Chronic Pain Policy
“We have talked with many people in the last year who have been telling us the same thing-people in pain and their caregivers were not given a big enough voice in developing pain treatment.”
Fibro and a Cold battle it out - Living Creatively with Fibro
I am not going to waste your time by going through all the things you can do to help shift a cold because let’s face it, the information is out there in plentiful supply. If you need a bit…
Fibro Tip of the week
This week’s Fibro Tip comes from Katarina at Skillfully Well and Painfully Aware https://skillfullywell.com/2017/09/06/289/ who is Living skillfully well with chronic conditions. She has…
Lady Gaga: When people doubt
To my fans, I love you so much. I use the word ‘suffer’ not for pity, or attention, and have been disappointed to see…
Chronic Pain Treatment - It Should Start At The Beginning
There’s a patient in my office, crying. He is also shouting. He can’t get his pain medications. His primary care doctor has told him, “I’m not allowed to write these medications for you any…
When another symptom crops up
The most frustrating thing about chronic illness is the spontaneous occurrence of another random symptom that doesn’t fit into the puzzle you already have. I have been getting these…
5 Spoonie Survival Essentials! | Katie Cupcake - Life With ME
5 Spoonie Survival Essentials! | Katie Cupcake – Life With ME
Hi guys – welcome to my new readers, and welcome back if you’ve been here before! When I first started this blog, it was to talk about my chronic illnesses. Then my love for makeup and…
What Can I Do To Change My Life? EP:000 - Concepts, Ideas, Thoughts & Bullsh!t
Let’s establish a foundation to the development of a healthy mindset. Living with the many ways chronic illness changes your life, places stress on your life, making you feel damaged,…
CITB Fibromyalgia Link to See
created in Publicate

Related posts

20 Things People With Chronic Pain Can Relate To…

Posted on by
stevepb / Pixabay
Millions of people live with chronic pain every day in the US, and they struggle to do basic day-to-day things like getting dressed and going to the shop. Despite their constant pain, their voices are rarely heard by the media because they look ‘normal’ and it is difficult to see the cause of their pain.

Here are 20 things that people in chronic pain can relate to:

  1. We try very hard to look ‘normal’

    People often say to us that we don’t look sick, but it takes a lot of effort to look normal. We often have to nap before going out to deal with the exhaustion, and we normally take pain meds before meeting up with people.

  2. The pain won’t pass in a few days or weeks

    This isn’t a cold or the flu, and it won’t go away in a few weeks – we may live with the pain for our whole lifetime.

  3. It’s not all in our heads

    [Tweet “We are not hypochondriac’s; just because you can’t see the cause of our pain doesn’t mean it isn’t there.”]

  4. We have dreams and goals

    Just like anyone else, we have passions and dreams that we would like to achieve in our lives. We are not defined by our illness.

  5.  We are not making a big deal for no reason

    We are probably in more pain that you think we are in. It can be pretty difficult to understand chronic pain, and we don’t need your sympathy – we just want to know that you understand our situation.

  6. Sometimes it is impossible to get out of bed in the morning

    Some days the pain is too bad to get out of bed, but we don’t let that get us down. In fact, we will probably Skype our friends or partners so we can have a giggle to take our mind off the pain.

  7. We hate being called lazy

    Every job is twice as hard if you’re experiencing chronic pain, so we don’t feel lazy – we feel super accomplished for getting dressed and going to the shops. Everyone experiences different challenges in life.

  8. Chronic pain doesn’t become less painful with time

    Pain doesn’t become less painful over time, but you become better at dealing with the pain. I am still in pain; I’m just not letting it rule my whole life.We don’t always have enough spoons
    Christine Miserandino, a woman with lupus, created the ‘spoons’ analogy to describe living with invisible pain.

  9. When you have chronic pain, you start each day with a certain amount of spoons.

    Every task, like making a sandwich, takes a spoon away from you. Once you have run out of spoons for the day, you cannot complete any more activities – your pain is too much. This analogy helps us to complete our tasks without exerting ourselves too much.
    [Tweet “PLEASE take the time to read  “The Spoon Theory” by Christine Miserandino this is probably the BEST essay to help you understand chronic pain!”]

  10. If we don’t work, it is because we can’t

    We don’t shy away from work; in fact, we would do anything to be healthy and able to work full-time. Sadly for some chronic pain sufferers, this just isn’t an option.

  11. Just standing in queues is uncomfortable and painful

    Having to hold your body in a certain place for even a few minutes can be extremely tiring and painful, and sometimes we have to ask our friends and families for help.

  12. Good days do happen

    Some days we wake up feeling better than normal, and we get super excited! Normally we will try to be productive and social on these days, because we don’t know when the next good day will be.

  13. So do bad days

    Some days are very painful, and on these days even going to the bathroom is a difficult task. On a day like this, brushing your teeth is a huge accomplishment!

  14. We feel guilty about not always replying to our friends

    Pain can be mentally exhausting, and sometimes it means we feel too tired and ill to reply to our friends. This makes us feel bad – we love our friends and we hate not replying, but thankfully our friends don’t take it personally when this happens.

  15. We are so thankful for the friends and family who are there for us

    Often we have to ask our loved ones for help with tasks like cooking and shopping, and we are so grateful for the help. Our friends are more than just friends; they are lifelines and saviours.

  16. Medical help can be frustrating

    It can take years to diagnose chronic pain due to a lack of training, and when we find an understanding doctor, we try to keep them in our lives for as long as possible.

  17.  We don’t seek drugs – we seek pain relief

    Sometimes chronic pain is treated with medical marijuana and opioids, but that doesn’t mean we seek drugs. We seek anything that will help us to control and manage our pain.

  18. We don’t need advice (unless you have chronic pain yourself)

    We really appreciate people who are trying to be helpful, but it can be mentally draining to repeatedly discuss the same pain-management methods. We always look out for ways to help manage the pain, so the likelihood is that we have already tried most suggestions.

  19. We hope to heal one day

    We don’t want to live our whole lives in pain – we want to heal and get better. We will always look out for answers and cures that could change our lives

  20. Love and support helps us to keep going

    From strangers and co-workers, the little gestures like offering to help with our bags can really help to make our lives easier.

Medical searches on Google

When you do a Google search for certain medical conditions, you can learn about their symptoms and treatments. This includes information from medical doctors about how common a condition is, whether it’s critical or contagious, the ages it usually affects, and more.

Get info about chronic pain

Related posts

8 Moves to Make When You Want to Give Up

Posted on by

Taking the easy road is nice for a while, but for talented, motivated people it isn’t enough. To find satisfaction you’ll need to set ambitious goals, solve challenging problems, and develop strengths you may not know you have.

Although the hard road is more fulfilling, it isn’t all champagne and victory laps. There will be times when you feel beaten and depressed — times when quitting looks like the best option. There is no formula for dealing with hard times, but these 8 steps will help you understand your predicament and determine the best course of action.

1. Take A  Break

One reason we get down on ourselves is fatigue. When you’re tired everything is harder. You’ll also get bored. Fatigue and boredom combine to cause burnout — one of the biggest reasons people quit. When faced with burnout, the best thing to do is take a break. Cut yourself off completely. Do absolutely nothing for a day or two. What’s the worst that could happen? By allowing yourself to recover you’ll be more productive in the long run.

2. Step Back

Sometimes we get so absorbed in our own sphere that we develop a distorted picture of reality. When you feel like giving up, there’s a good chance that things aren’t nearly as bad as they seem, and there’s a simple solution that you’re overlooking. When things seem bleak, distance yourself from the situation to gain an accurate perspective. What would someone without any emotional involvement do? Asking this question will help you make optimal decisions.

3. Do Your Research

The only constant in the universe is change, but when you’re plugging away with your head down it’s easy not to notice. People often make decisions based on outdated assumptions made months, or even years earlier. To develop a course of action, you’ll need to know where you stand. Stop to evaluate your position.

  • What do you have?
  • What do you want?
  • What opportunities still exist?
  • What new opportunities have arisen?

By taking stock of the current situation, you’ll discover if your urge to quit is a passing whim or the correct decision.

4. Consult an Expert

When your knowledge base is insufficient you should seek an expert opinion. This doesn’t mean you have to make contact with a world class expert, anyone who knows more than you will be able to help. Think of friends, family, and business associates. Have any of them been in your position before? The web can also be a great resource, just be careful who you trust. Check out relevant forums or email a reputable blogger. I’m consistently impressed with the effort people expend to help total strangers.

5. Re-evaluate Your Strategy

Once you’re well informed, apply that knowledge to revamping your strategy. If you feel like giving up, you might be doing something wrong. This is the time to pour over your efforts and determine what works.

  • What actions have lead to the greatest benefit?
  • What mistakes have been made?
  • What can be improved?

By answering these questions you’ll fine tune your strategy. The urge to give up is a blessing when it leads to analysis and constructive adjustments.

6. Change Course

Knowing what’s wrong and how you can fix it is a relief. Unlike an invisible monster hovering over you, an exposed problem can be directly assaulted. Once you’ve determined a change needs to be made, implement it full force. Don’t hesitate or dwell on past mistakes. Trust your own judgment and deal with new issues as they arise.

7. Push Through the Dip

In some cases you might feel like giving up even though you’re doing all the right things. This is called “the dip” — the plateau that separates the average from the best in the world. Knowing what to do when you hit the dip is so important. In you’ve hit the dip and you can honestly say that going forward is the best decision, lower your shoulder and plow ahead until you reach the other side. It might not be pleasant but the rewards are tremendous. If you make it.

8. Quit

We don’t have thoughts and emotions for nothing. Sometimes quitting is the best decision. Maybe you didn’t know what you were getting into. Maybe your priorities have changed. Maybe you’d be better doing something else. If you know deep down that quitting is the right move, do it. Don’t hesitate because of previously invested effort. That’s a sunk cost. If you ignore your better judgment and continue you’ll waste more time and energy.

Related posts

RikkiSpeaks – You Have To Trust Someone Somehow

Posted on by

As I boarded my first bus, tears filled my eyes…

I watched as my family pulled away which tore at all of my emotions. I knew I had to make this trip, there was no question in my mind. I was doing what was right, although it didn’t lessen my knowing how badly I would miss them.

My first stop was in an inner city bus stop. I was faced with an extremely long layover and was now surrounded by a hoard of strangers. Looking at my surroundings, I noticed that this stop never slept. I was not unlike the place, as there was no way I could have closed my eyes. For the longest time, I just watched, as people moved about and children cried. Every type of person, of every ethnic background, seemed to swallow me making me the minority. After all, I was traveling alone.

Originally, while learning it would take me twenty  three and a half hours to travel what should have taken me nine by car, I was a little bit scared. It was a typical response, as people fear what they do not know. I was no where near a seasoned bus traveler. I made sure to my luggage within arms reach, as I was unsure of what to expect. I felt that making it to my destination with clothing was the best route to take and I wanted no chance of not ensuring this simple thing.

After sitting for quite some time, and suffering waffle butt syndrome from the uncomfortable iron benches, I decided I had to move. Exhaustion had set in, and I just couldn’t stay seated anymore. Hauling my luggage with me, I made my way outside.

Being a very friendly person, I have always been able to speak to whomever I am around. Boredom caused me to do just that. I made conversation with several people. Some were a little more apprehensive of my open abilities to say “hello”, while others seemed somewhat thankful to have someone to talk to.

We all spoke of why we were making our way, to our final destinations. Some were traveling as far as across the country. There were people who were making a new start while others decided simply to meet family and friends on the other side. There were even full families taking a quick vacation together. I, myself, was heading to help my very ill father.

I looked in the eyes of these people, from all walks of life, and found a little of myself in each of them. Oddly we were, after all, in this together. The more people I met, the more I felt responsible to watch out for each of them. Strangely, they all felt the same about me.

I had taken a couple of young fellas under my wing. The pair had met on a bus, and made it a point to watch out for each other. I decided to take care of them because I found them to be unworldly and it seemed they had no idea what to expect from life. We spoke of the girlfriends they had left behind, and they had asked for my advice on love and other topics. They listened as I vented about my fears of what I would learn when I got to my father’s hospital room. After a long while, they both became very tired and I agreed to watch their things, while they laid their young heads on a table and fell asleep. I woke them, when their bus was called, to ensure that they didn’t miss it. A small nod and wave and they were gone. Yet this time I didn’t feel so alone.

I had met a family who I connected with quickly. One of them won over my heart with her honest approach. She said to me, “I don’t understand why people steal luggage, because I don’t even want to lug mine, let alone someone else’s things.” Between giggles, I agreed. This family didn’t see me as a different color, nor did I them. We’d traded off luggage watching duties when each of us needed to get up and walk away. They had offered to feed me from the supplies that they had carried with them. I knew that their trip would be a long one, and yet they had offered to care for me from the little they had. I politely declined, knowing they would inevitably need it more than me, as they had many more mouths to feed. It didn’t change the fact that the offer had touched my soul.

A man who was seated on his luggage, beside the soda machine, passed me a handful of change from a purple Crown Royal drawstring bag. The money changer had met it’s demise and he saw me struggling to find enough change in my purse for a water. He refused to take any money in return, because as he had said, “my trip is now coming to an end, and yours has just begun.”

After boarding my next bus I met another man, who was a minister. He was heading to the same final stop as me. For the longest time, I listened as he spoke to the others on the bus, of God and His glory. He, then, began speaking to me and we quickly befriended each other.

Together, we’d made a layover in a very sketchy area. I had been speaking to some of the residents of the Indiana town we had stopped in. Those people were, without a doubt, some of the roughest people I had ever met.

There were two who I had made the acquaintance of at separate times during the stop. One had been assaulted by a bat and pipe, just days before, and wore the most terrible bruises I had ever seen. Another had been stabbed in the neck while falling asleep next to the town’s river bank. Curiosity took over and their broken bodies made me want to find out what had torn apart their souls. I had learned that drugs had been a part in each story and my heart broke for them. I reasoned that although they had made their own decisions in life they might not have been given any opportunity to avoid these mistakes. Each openly told me their stories and seemed comfortable in doing so. I reminded each of them that they had lived through their attacks, and were still here to tell about it. I challenged each of them to find the reason they had been given that second chance.

As I spoke to the people that everyone else would have shied away from the minister had later admitted that he had watched over me, the whole time, from afar.

As I stepped foot at my last stop, it occurred to me that I had been afraid for nothing. People are people no matter where you are. Everyone has a story to tell, although some are more sinister and terrifying than others. Some people just need someone to listen, and to care enough to give advice that no one else has the guts to give.

While becoming a bleary eyed traveler, I found I was never really alone. It is important, in life to remember that you have to trust someone sometime, even if it is someone that no one else would take the time to try to understand. No matter how soft or hardened the people were that I had met on my travels, just offering an ear and a heartfelt word seemed to sate the savage beast in all of them.

I shall board a bus again soon, to head back home. Though it will be heart wrenching leaving my father behind, I fear not the people I will encounter. Strangers are, after all, just friends I have yet to meet.

Related posts

Learn to Understand Your Own Intelligence

Posted on by

Several years ago I listened to a lecture on cognition that changed the way I think about intelligence. This is the crux. There are two types of cognition. The first is normal cognition. This is the ability to retrieve knowledge from memory. When you are asked a question on a test and produce an answer, that’s a display of cognitive ability. The second type of cognition is metacognition; the ability to know whether or not you know.

Have you ever been asked a question that you knew the answer to, but you couldn’t find the right word? This is called the “tip of the tongue” phenomenon and I’m sure we’ve all experienced it. You know that you know the answer, but you fail to produce it. If someone said an answer, you would know instantly if it was correct or not. In these cases metacognition exists without cognition.

In short, cognition is knowing, metacognition is knowing if you know or not. Both can exist together, but many times they don’t.

How Does this Affect Intelligence?

So what importance does this have and how is it relevant to self improvement? The fact that there are two different kinds of cognitive ability means that there are different types of intelligence.

In traditional education, intelligence is measured by cognitive ability. For some people this is works well. They can easily produce everything they know on a test. But for others it doesn’t work out so well. The people that know something cold but can’t find the right words on a test are awarded with poor grades and considered inferior.

But does this inability make them any less intelligent? They know the answer. If the question came up on a task, they could refer to a book or a quick Google search. In reality they’re just as effective as the people that aced the test. They just can’t prove it as easily.

The Importance of Knowing what you know

Unless you’re taking a test or playing Jeopardy, metacognition is more important to success than cognition. In real life, when you’re faced with a question the first decision is whether you know the answer or not. With strong metacognitive ability this is easy. If you know the answer, but can’t come up with it, you can always do a bit of research. If you know for sure that you don’t know, then you can start educating yourself. Because you’re aware of your ignorance, you don’t act with foolish confidence. The person who thinks they know something that they really don’t makes the worst decisions.

A person with poor cognitive ability, but great metacognitive ability is actually in great shape. They might do poorly in school, but when faced with a challenge they understand their abilities and take the best course of action. These people might not seem intelligent at first glance, but because they know what they know, they make better decisions and learn the most important things.

Clever but mediocre people

At the opposite end of the spectrum are people with great cognitive ability but poor metacognitive ability. These people are proclaimed geniuses at a young age for acing every test and getting great SAT scores. Unfortunately, they’ve been ruined by poor metacognition; they think they know everything but they really don’t. They are arrogant, fail to learn from mistakes, and don’t understand the nuances of personal relationships; showing disdain for persons with lower cognitive ability.

So who is superior? In a battle of wits the higher cognitive ability prevails, but life is not a single encounter. It is a series of experiments in succession, each building upon the last. Learning requires knowing what you don’t know, and taking steps to learn what you need to. People with poor metacognitive ability never realize that they don’t ‘get it’. They also don’t realize what’s important.

This doesn’t preclude them from material success. But, perhaps that’s a poor measurement of intelligence as well. There are many people who become rich and successful by their cleverness and cognitive ability, but as human beings are quite mediocre. Is the man that makes a million dollars, but is cruel and abusive to his employees and family, really more intelligent than the poor man who lives a modest and loving life? I don’t intend to demonize wealth, only to state that it should not be the measure of virtue.

Use your metacognitive ability

So what do we know and what do we not? And how can we tell the difference? There is so much to know in the world that the most brilliant human minds can grasp only the tiniest fraction. For this reason we should always be in doubt of what we know. The closed mind is oblivious to its surroundings, while the open mind absorbs them. Like a sponge, it soaks up observations, becoming fuller and more robust.

But we can’t live in total doubt. If we did we would never act, paralyzed by our inadequate knowledge. We must trust our intuition. If something makes you feel a certain way, that feeling is real and must be respected. Act based on your own convictions, not those of others, and keep an open ear for new ideas.

The most important mental power is the ability to know what you don’t know. The recognition of a fault is the first step to improvement. Don’t try to hide a lack of knowledge. People will see through it and you’ll appear foolish and arrogant. If you admit your ignorance, people will help you learn and respect your humility. For intelligent people this is the toughest lesson to learn. We are used to being right, and consider being wrong shameful. We’re afraid to lose status by looking stupid. This vain arrogance is a great weakness and the source of many problems. To crush it and embrace humility is the mark of true wisdom.

Related posts

Nobody Can Ever Call You Stupid

Posted on by

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. – Albert Einstein

As a kid I was pretty much labelled as the stupid one, or at least I felt like it.  I was probably the worst student ever. I always had trouble focusing to learn and absorb. So yup, I usually got bad grades and was constantly in fear of being scolded by the teacher.

My biggest milestone of stupidity was when I was 12, where I got an extremely low score in a major exam. I tried so hard to make up for it. Trying to shed the label of stupid. Have you ever been in that stage where you know you’re really bad at something, so you try to compensate for it with something else?

I knew I was doing badly in school, so I tried to make up for it in other areas in life. I remember actively trying to be a good son, to not let my parents down. I was always very polite to my relatives in hopes of showing my parents taught me well.

But alas, that major exam caused my world to crash down and made feel totally worthless anyway. I literally had the lowest score ever in my family. I knew I let everyone down and I felt inferior.

Here’s why nobody can ever call you stupid: “Stupid” is just a subjective label people like to give others. And it’s up to you to wear that label or shed it. I shed the label of stupid with a life of hard work and passion.

This is a post for people out there who feel stupid and inferior in any way:

Others’ expectations of you are not yours. Schools, institutions or your parents’ expectations out of you are not your own. They are merely their own views of what they want out of you.

It’s more important to know what you truly want for yourself deep down. It’s important to also have a realistic view on life, hence the only expectations you should ever need are your own. If you know that you gave it your best and always remembered that you tried, no grade or score can ever judge you for your degree of competence.

You’re very special in your own unique way. And with that, comes your aspirations, dreams, passion and ultimately your own hope in life. Do you know how special that is?

While it’s definitely important to get an education and do well in school, remember that you have innate abilities within you that are given to you. Unfortunately, not all of us have circumstances catered to our abilities. For example, the rowdy kid in class who cannot sit still would be labelled a bad student, when actually he requires another method of learning.

So, if it’s just mere circumstances, why let it bring you down? Why let it weigh you down? CREATE your own circumstances and pave your own path to realizing your true self.

I love writing, which is why I started my blog. I learned everything about blogging and online marketing on my own, something which they never thought in school. And it’s this experience of doing it all alone that gave me the bigger lessons in life compared to what school taught me.

You can easily pick yourself up anyway. When people do badly in school or lose a major client at work, they think it’s the end and start to think less of themselves. That is not true at all. You can always easily pick yourself up after that. As long as you believe in yourself and keep pushing on, you can go a long way in life. The trick to it is to not give up.

Stupid is not the end and neither should it be a permanent label. For whatever people think you are, you can easily change that. Just go for what you want, work hard and you can be whatever you want. There’s more to life than just being intelligent. So even if you think you’re stupid, you hence want to be intelligent right? But don’t forget, there are so many amazing things you can be called other than smart, or intelligent, like:

  • Polite
  • Passionate
  • Classy
  • Charismatic

Just to name a few…

I know many people who have made it in the academic world, getting their PHDs and qualifying for big corporate jobs, but their character leaves a lot to be desired. That’s to say, some are so intelligent that they forget how to be respectful towards others; some are so good with books, they don’t know a thing about being sociable.

There are many people out there who buy into living by societal standards. Being intelligent is just one mere aspect of life. Why not be many things instead, which you know can BOTH help you and those around you?

You aren’t stupid. You are many things just by being you. Just be you. Strive to be whatever you want, even if it’s just being intelligent.

Just remember to not take others’ judgement so hard and strive to be yourself. You will definitely go a long way.

Related posts

1 2